Belonging

It’s been a considerable while since ive kept a blog entry. a lot of new developments have taken shape since my last words to Master almost a year ago. but i think the main thing that’s lead me to contacting Him again is that i don’t feel like there’s anyone else who would be able to treat me the way i want to be treated (which was actually what i meant to say when i talked with Master yesterday– not that He understood me better than anyone else, but that he treated me the way that i wanted to be treated under his control and i dont really feel attracted to anyone else’s relationship dynamic). Unfortunately, for me, these words and even thoughts came too late… i should have perpetuated the feelings i had for Him last year instead of getting lost in my own hopelessness. Let that be a lesson to all you slaves in long distance relationships–especially ones built on deep feelings for your Master. i went adrift after i began to think that we might never be together–due to some pretty hard circumstances on both ends– mainly, for me, monetary issues… because there was no telling when i would have enough money to be with Master when or if it became possible. these feelings for Him seemed to have crept back into my thoughts and are gaining more and more momentum… but as i had said… they had come too late… Master is in a deep relationship with someone else and having a child… and so a person of high moral conscience would let the situation alone…(which should be even more resounding for me because i am a single parent and know what adultery can do to relationships) but i can’t seem to shake the feelings ive had for him… ive gotten over people in the past, but He’s not someone you just get over….

He gave me an out… saying that he would still be interested in pursuing what we had in the background of his current relationship… but this whole idea is surrounded by immorality– and i couldn’t help but think– “what if i was the current and He was telling this to someone else?” — and so in this way, i am very sympathetic with his current relationship. He did however say that his fiance is also bisexual, so the thought instantly crept into my mind that we could just all date each other, but im sure this is a total impossibility and there would probably be issues arising, especially given our different histories–mainly that im not sure how she would feel about our M/s dynamic, so the thought left my mind as quickly as it had entered. So this just leaves me with two real options– wait around for the situation to change and continue to feed each other’s passions, however immoral, or let go. i tend to associate the first choice with becoming his mistress (or slave mistress rather), but what i would then be compensated with is differentiated from what is normally saught in an adulterous relationship. i do not seek his support in this interim where we are not completely together, i seek to merely provide this alternative choice for Him in his life path, if He should choose to take it one day and to offer myself to Him without expecting anything in return– this is what i believe to be the true test of our love now. if i do not win his love in the future then it was not meant to be, but that is only for him to decide. the idea of letting go of these feelings, at the current moment, does not seem to be possible, and so i will remain his faithful and loyal pet until He decides what he wants because i belong with Him.

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